Let Me Go Page 3

  Their station wagon was already overly packed with household items and barely had enough room for Olivia, Gabby, and Mom. Emma would be riding in the truck with Dad, as usual, who would lead the caravan to their newest destination, and he had yet to tell them where that would be. It was a game he played with his girls, starting pre-move and progressing as they traveled—never allowing them to know where they’d settle for a new start until they arrived.

  During pee stops or food breaks, the girls were constantly peeking at his map, outlining their path and throwing guesses as to where they were headed. Sometimes it seemed even Dad didn’t know until they got there. Once they’d even stopped at a dilapidated motel off the interstate for a night and ending up staying close to two years. Mom picked up a job as a maid, with the entire family living in a small room, before she eventually was promoted to the manager.

  Normally they stayed in the Midwest somewhere, rotating between three or four states, but always starting with a new town, as if Dad thought they could leave their problems behind. The girls were resigned to the fact there was no telling where they’d end up starting over—again.

  As Gabby and Olivia each struggled with their end of their wicker king’s chair, the second choice of their most-prized possessions, picked up at a garage sale somewhere, Olivia asked her dad for what must have been the hundredth time, “Where are we going, Dad?”

  “To a new world, girls, and a new life,” he said, trying to be funny while dodging the big question yet again, “to places unseen by mere mortals.”

  While Gabby and Olivia were glad to have their parents temporarily declare a truce, both of them knew this wasn’t the end of the fighting—there was never an end. At least this time, both moves happened in one summer. They hadn’t had to start a new school yet, just to be disappointed in being pulled out mid-school year and having to leave new friends again.

  The Girl in the Box

  The girl muddles through her hazy memories like sorting through the leaves after fall, slowly separating colors, shapes, and sizes. She is exhausted, so she cries and claws no more, only sits quietly in fear, waiting for her captor to come. To open the box. While she waits, she tries to distract herself from the terror she may face by sorting which memory belongs to whom, as their lives and betrayals have overlapped and blended so many times it was hard to remember who’d survived what. By the time he came, she hoped to be clear.

  And it had to be a “he.” As far back as she could remember, the women in her family had been touched by abuse of some kind, always at the hands of a he. It was almost a family tradition—bound by blood, ripped apart by abuse. Their lives intertwined so closely, then sent them so far apart.

  She awaits the return of her abductor and her mind travels back in time, remembering pages out of the lives of the women in her family. She wishes she could just see their faces or touch their hands right now, one last time—before she meets whatever end she faces—just to put the past to rest, leaving everything behind them and erasing the years of abuse they’d all suffered together but separately.

  The confusion of this sorting helps her pass the time in this terrifying prison of darkness and continues even when she unwillingly surrenders to the ever-returning reaching hand of slumber.

  CHAPTER 3

  The South, Two Years Later:

  “Hurry up, girls! He could come back any time and I don’t want to deal with him,” Mom yelled from the kitchen as she instructed Billy and his friends which furniture to load in the back of the U-Haul.

  “Mom, me and Gabby don’t feel too good about this. Dad is going to be mad at us too,” Olivia said nervously. Since their last move, when they’d had to leave so much of their stuff behind, she’d decided she was through.

  She needed to break the news to her mom that she wasn’t going—not with her anyway. She’d seen enough of their drama in her sixteen years to last her a lifetime and she was out. Going with Mom felt too much like choosing sides and she just couldn’t do that to Dad. Billy, her boyfriend, had asked his parents if Olivia could move in with them and they said yes. She wouldn’t be far, but Mom might freak out. Billy and Olivia wanted to be married, so Olivia needed to handle this just right with Mom, because she had to sign for her since she was under eighteen. Olivia continued to shove things in boxes and bags, thinking over how to ask. This needed to be done today. There was no doubt in her mind Mom would take Dad back eventually and continue in this non-stop cycle they’d been in for nearly two decades—and Olivia wanted off this merry-go-round.

  “Toughen up. You girls agreed this was best for everybody,” Mom answered while pulling down another stack of dishes to wrap. She looked so tired already. Getting up early to catch Dad before he left for the day and playing her charade to get him to sign the tax refund check had taken the steam out of her before they’d even started packing. Billy and his friends with the U-Haul had been waiting right around the corner for over an hour when they finally saw Dad leave, and they’d gotten there five minutes later to start a packing and loading frenzy that was now approaching four hours.

  “Yeah, I know we agreed you guys shouldn’t keep trying. But we didn’t agree to help with this sneaky maneuver—fooling him into signing the tax refund check and then sneaking out while he’s gone,” Olivia argued.

  “Olivia, you know this is the only way he’ll let me go, and that refund is from money taken out of my paycheck. I worked hard for that money. And it’s the only way we can pay deposits on another place. It’ll all be fine. You’ll see. Now get moving. We need to be cleared out of here by this afternoon—or sooner—in case he comes home early,” Mom ordered.

  After only two years in this house, which was actually longer than they’d spent in most of their homes, they were leaving—this time without Dad, the first move ever without Dad. But they’d made it less than a few months before the fighting started again. Sometimes the arguments ended up physical, and when that happened, either Gabby or Olivia would sneak across the hall and get Emma out of bed, taking her to their room to hide with them, all snuggled up in one twin-size bed under the covers, waiting it out.

  It had continued to escalate until Mom finally had enough.

  This last move had been over a thousand miles across the United States to an almost no-snow zone, and the girls couldn’t be happier where they’d ended up. When Mom told them they were leaving again, she followed it with a promise they could stay in the same city, just not in the same house with Dad. They were relieved to avoid another transplant back to the Midwest. They’d had enough snow to last them a lifetime. It was an even bigger bonus they didn’t have to leave their new friends—and Olivia’s boyfriend.

  Their new southern state was perfect, halfway between the mountains and the beach... and trees! They’d never seen so many trees. Gabby and Olivia missed the sunset spreading across the flatlands and their days playing in the cornfields, but here the sun reflected softer when it filtered through trees, somehow it wasn’t nearly as hot and humid, and the winters were mild. If there was snow, it stayed white just long enough to melt away, and then the short winter season was quickly followed by thousands of trees redressing themselves to prepare for their job providing the summer shade. To the girls, it seemed like paradise.

  Mom still missed the Midwest and probably always would; she’d been there her entire life. But she was learning to take joy in the beauty and weather here too. Her job helped sway her to stay too. It paid more than double her last salary, although it was much harder than anything she’d ever done before.

  Dad just hadn’t had any luck finding work he was as happy with, and jealousy began to fester, marking each night when Mom walked in the door from a twelve-hour shift as the beginning of another heated argument. It never stopped. Why do you have on makeup to work in a plant? Why did you have to fix your hair to just get dirty? Why are your pants so tight? Why are you ten minutes later than last night? Their fights went on for hours and Mom couldn’t go to bed. If she did, he’d just take the
fight to her, and in this house where Mom shared a room with Emma, she was reluctant to walk in their bedroom with Dad following her, in case Emma was still in there asleep.

  Dad seemed to be taking it as a personal strike Mom found a better job first. She tried to offer advice, come up with ideas... just figure out how to fix his unhappiness while their marriage worsened, but she was at a loss, so she continued working hard and making friends while their marriage continued to crumble past the point of fixing.

  She’d finally gotten strong enough and brave enough to leave him, with encouragement from some of her new friends.

  Gabby and Olivia were sad but thankful. They were just so tired of the fighting. As they sat up on their beds late last night, whispering back and forth in nervousness of today, they agreed: it was never too late for either Mom or Dad to start over apart. They’d done it dozens of times before together, just this time the girls hoped their parents could have their happily ever after.

  But Dad wasn’t the only one who was about to be surprised.

  Olivia walked into their room to find Gabby stuffing bags full of their clothes. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail matching Olivia’s, even down to the same color hairband. They wore matching plain T-shirts and gym shorts. Even unintentionally, like today, they usually managed to look exactly alike.

  “Gabby, don’t take all the socks and underwear. Leave half out for me,” Olivia said.

  “Why?” Straightening up and wiping the sweat from her brow, she gave Olivia a puzzled look.

  “I’m not going with you guys. Me and Billy are going to help get you all out of here, but we’re going to Billy’s house. I’m staying there, with him. We’re going to get married.”

  “Olivia, you can’t be friggin’ serious.” Gabby stared at her in disbelief. “We’re barely sixteen years old.”

  “Mom will say I can. She doesn’t have the energy to argue, so this is good timing for me. Besides, she was only fifteen when she married Dad...”

  “Yeah, look how that’s turned out.” Gabby angrily kicked the bag she had just been packing, a look of panic on her face. “What about school? Are you going to stay in school?”

  “Gabby, I signed up to take my GED next week. I’m bored in school and your big mouth with the missing filter just got you suspended, so you won’t be back for a week anyway. We’ve been making top grades since elementary, but it’s worthless to us. You know we’ll never get to go to college. I’m ready to get out of school and start my life with Billy,” Olivia tried to explain, praying Gabby wasn’t going to make this any harder than it already was. She and Gabby had never been separated—ever. Even as infants when Olivia was sick with German measles in the hospital, they had to bring Gabby to her because she’d cried non-stop until they were in the same crib again.

  “Fine, do what you got to do, Olivia. It’s not like my life could get any more screwed up than it already is!” Gabby screamed, tears rolling down her face.

  Anger was her way to deal with everything. And when Gabby was really mad, she cried. She was torn between Mom and Dad just the way Olivia was. Gabby and Olivia agreed, Mom and Dad had to separate, or someone was going to get hurt or go to jail, possibly both. While Gabby knew she wouldn’t leave Mom and Emma, this still felt wrong to her too, sneaking behind Dad’s back and taking the money and almost everything in the house. He was going to be furious and hurt when he found out they were part of it. Neither of them wanted to deal with that.

  Olivia knew telling Gabby would be the hardest part for her. It was breaking her heart too, but she couldn’t get upset and cry or she’d never follow through and leave. Eventually they would have to live their own lives, and that time for Olivia was now. She just couldn’t take any more of living their parents’ lives. She wanted something more—something better—and she couldn’t take Gabby with her.

  “Gabby, calm down. Stop overreacting. Billy lives no more than fifteen minutes from the apartment you guys are moving into. I promise I’ll visit all the time. He’s going to help me get a car. I’ve got to find a job, but we’ll still see each other. I’m not leaving you... I’m leaving them,” Olivia explained as calmly as she could, not wanting to upset Gabby any more than she already was.

  “Yeah, but you’re leaving me with them... Can I go with you?”

  “No, you can’t. We’re already starting out living with his parents and brother. I can’t ask to bring my sister with me. Look, I’m sorry. You pick your half of our clothes, whatever you want, and I’ll take what’s left. Throw anything I can take in that box over there, the one with my name on it. We’ve got to keep packing and get this stuff on the truck or Dad could come home and then we’ll all have hell to pay,” Olivia quickly turned her back and walked away.

  She couldn’t let Gabby see the tears trying to force their way out of her eyes too. She could feel Gabby’s eyes on her back and knew her mind as well as her own... Gabby was probably thinking she’d been replaced by Billy and had lost her. She was wrong, but she wouldn’t see it right now. Olivia couldn’t imagine her life without Gabby in it either. They had never discussed it. Maybe they should have—this was coming as a shock to Gabby. They’d patch it up, and eventually she would understand, but they had to get through today first.

  CHAPTER 4

  Gabby glared at her sister’s back as she walked away. She’d be damned if she’d give Olivia any of the good stuff if she was really leaving her in this mess. She carefully picked through every pair of socks, panties, shorts, jeans, and tops... making sure all the oldest, stained, or ripped things went into Olivia’s box.

  Gabby didn’t even like Billy. He was a player. And a redneck.

  It was only a few months after their move here when he had met Olivia and started sniffing around like a dog in heat, taking her out in his car every weekend and offering only Olivia a ride to school, trying to tear her sister away from her, taking every spare minute to insert himself into her life, never giving Gabby and Olivia time together anymore. Well, now he had her. He had won.

  Billy was such a loser—he didn’t even finish school. He was eighteen, but he’d dropped out in his junior year and thought he was a big shot when he started making money in construction. Didn’t he know how stupid he looked standing on the side of the road holding up a SLOW sign?

  Gabby thought Olivia could do much better than him. He was moody, controlling, and always on the defensive with everybody. No one could even joke around him without him thinking everyone was looking at him or making him the butt of their jokes—which they weren’t. He was a jerk, but Olivia didn’t see him like Gabby did, no matter how much she tried to point it out to her sister.

  She’d finally called a truce with Billy and resigned herself to having to share Olivia, but that was fine as long as Olivia came home and slept in the bed across from hers and they woke in the same room every day—dealing with what life handed them together, like they always had. Now Billy had taken that too. He was a control freak, but Olivia wouldn’t hear of it. She just couldn’t see the forest for the trees—or in his case, the tree for the forest.

  Gabby stopped packing and sat on the side of the stripped-down bed, directly on the old striped mattress, with her head in her hands. She just couldn’t understand how Olivia could pick this time, of all times, to abandon her. The more she thought about it, the madder she got.

  She got up and stomped into the kitchen where Olivia was helping Mom wrap dishes in old newspapers they’d been saving for weeks, hidden away from Dad’s suspicious eyes. They would listen to what she had to say, damn it.

  “Mom, did Olivia tell you she’s not planning on coming with us?” Gabby half-shouted, half-cried, taking a stance with her arms crossed over her chest. She didn’t want to tattle on Olivia, but she had to take one last stab at stopping her, and maybe Mom was her best shot.

  “Yes, Gabby. We just talked about it,” Mom answered, sounding defeated.

  “Well, did you tell her no?” Gabby glanced over to study Oliv
ia for some hint of her plans falling to pieces. But Olivia just kept packing, turning her back to Gabby, not giving her any opportunity to read her face.

  “Gabby, I can’t stop you girls from growing up. I’ve got enough on my plate right now with taking care of Emma on my own, for God’s sake,” she answered angrily.

  “Mom, you know we’ll help with Emma. We always have. I’m not trying to keep Olivia from growing up... geez. Did you at least tell her you won’t sign for her to get married?” she demanded.

  Olivia continued to pack, not even acknowledging she was being talked about as if she wasn’t in the room. She had already won this battle and she knew it would fizzle out faster without adding her voice, arguing with Gabby.

  “No, I didn’t. I told her I would sign and right away too. I’d rather they be married if they’re going to live together and be sleeping together. This isn’t about you, Gabby. You need to let your sister go!” Mom yelled, the stress of the day finally pushing her close to her limit.

  “Oh yeah, that sounds good, Mom. Let her go off and marry some boy who acts exactly like Dad does to you whenever Olivia gets around anybody—male or female. Hand her over to a control freak full of jealousy who wants to own her, like Dad has owned you for the last twenty years... Yep, that’s smart, Mom. Way to be a good mother—”

  “Gabby!” Olivia yelled in warning. But it was too late. In three steps, Mom had made her way across the kitchen with her hand in the air. Slap—like thunder in the almost empty kitchen.